Permission

I’ve been frozen and dragging my feet to begin working on my Impact Statement*. Besides plain old procrastination, I realized some other reasons I have been putting it off:

Fear. Of staring this sh*t in the face again, of being knocked down by it all again, of not being able to function in my daily life because of the magnitude of the pain. I’m coping now because my body and brain protect me by shutting off the full details of my betrayal. I walk around in pain, but it’s a numb version of my pain. It’s foggy, and unclear, and only a few details come to mind at a time. Writing my Impact Statement requires me to pull back the band-aid and acknowledge the depth and breadth of my wounds yet again.

Fear. Of finding a way to communicate to my husband how his actions and inactions have hurt and damaged me. Without raging at him. Or without minimizing. I feel paralyzed by my desire to do it “the right way”. I am so trained to look at “my part” in our relationship issues that it is difficult to admit my utter powerlessness over his choices. Writing my Impact Statement requires me to stare him in the face and hold him accountable for allowing me (and our children) to be his collateral damage.

I give myself permission to do less, to drop balls, and to ask for help with the tasks I am responsible for so that I can continue my process of healing. I give myself permission to put the blame squarely on the shoulders of my husband. I give myself permission to write as many drafts as I need to get out all the contradictions and emotions. I give myself permission to start. I give myself permission to take breaks. I give myself permission to stop. I give myself permission to take as long as I need before I am ready to share the final draft with him.

*An Impact Statement or Letter is something you write after you have had heard your partner’s Formal Therapeutic Disclosure with your therapists. Your CSAT will assist you and help with the format. The link I included is just one example.